


Pretty Squid

by Thealmostrhetoricalquestion



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Albus just watches Blue Planet and is very Emotional which is Fair, Chatting & Messaging, Established Relationship, Explicit Language, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Scorpius Cares About Grammar, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-10
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-07-29 03:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16255412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thealmostrhetoricalquestion/pseuds/Thealmostrhetoricalquestion
Summary: In which Albus watches Blue Planet and is both enraged and awed, and Scorpius is the helpless target of both emotions.Albatross:tuna fish are secretly fuckin’ vicious?? they just ate a bunch of peaceful fish for no good reason





	Pretty Squid

**Author's Note:**

> IMPORTANT WARNINGS: David Attenborough pulls no punches in his nature documentaries. There are mentions of death, violence and mating wrt animals throughout this, because he's talking about the sea and whales and stuff!! Nothing graphic!! It's just mentioned because Albus is watching it for the first time and yelling about it! But it's definitely there, so please don't read if you feel uncomfortable with that, and if you're unsure, have a look at one of the documentaries. It's really not a big deal in this story but I just don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or get yelled at.

Albatross:

tuna fish are secretly fuckin’ vicious?? they just ate a bunch of peaceful fish for no good reason

  
  


_ Scorpion: _

_ Pardon? Albus, where are you? _

_ I thought you were at home today. _

_ Wait… Are you watching Blue Planet? _

 

Albatross:

and now sharks are coming because tuna-fish are making a damn scene

yeah. i’m on the first episode

…

you there?

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ I’m sorry, I just had to process that.  _

_ You hate the sea! You don't like anything to do with the sea! You wouldn’t even let me buy that wallpaper with the boats on it for our bathroom.  _

 

 

Albatross:

that’s coz it was ugly, Scorp and you know it

HUNDREDS of sharks, Merlin

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ This is completely baffling, just so you’re aware. You told me you’d never watch these shows in a million years! _

 

 

Albatross:

okay so apparently the peaceful fish swim around all over the place and when they come back up they make all the nutrients??? come up with them. So then there’s nutrients everywhere, which is yum for fish, and plankton, which fish eat. 

(yeah but you like it and i like seeing why you like things, so)

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ Oh my goodness, Albus! <3 _

 

Albatross:

then there’s like loads of tuna fish coming bc mmm tasty, right? and they’re flapping about and making a scene. going to TOWN on these poor peaceful fish that are just tryna make a living. 

and then SHARKS

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ You’re a fish nerd.  _

Albatross:

take it back

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ You’re a fish nerd and I love you. _

Fish Nerd:

i’m ignoring that

did you change my name????

i’m going back to David Attenborough now

he doesn’t hurt me like you do

 

_ Scorpion:  _

_ It suits you! It’s adorable and sweet.  _

 

Fish Nerd:

Shhh interesting programme

i love you too

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ <3 _

 

***

 

Fish Nerd:

fuck you malfoy

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ I have no idea what I did, but could you at least type properly? Your grammar hurts my eyes. _

 

Fish Nerd:

i’ll do no such fuckin thing

a baby whale is being drowned by fucking killer whales i fucking hate david attenborough

 

_ Scorpion: _

_ It’s not David’s fault! He’s just capturing the fascinating brutality of nature! _

 

Fish Nerd:

fascinating my arse

the baby whale is bleeding

the baby whale is dead fuck you

“The calf is dead” yeah NO SHIT DAVE, i just watched a harrowing full two minutes of pain

did you really have to say carcass

did you really? did you fuck

 

_ Traitor: _

_ I can see that you’re very passionate about the poor thing, I’m sorry Albus. I remember that part! I’ll hug you later to make up for it. _

_ … Did you change my name?  _

 

Fish Nerd:

the killer whales barely even did anything after that they were just having fun, sickos

Yeah i did

wouldn’t have seen any of this if it weren’t for you, and you didn't warn me, so

oh merlin now we’re at the bottom of the sea

 

_ Traitor: _

_ I didn't tell you to watch it, I just told you I enjoyed the series! _

 

Fish Nerd:

there’s hag-fish now???? what’s that??

they’re scavenger worms or something

mini-umbridges

ew oh merlin, they’re too big and they’re eating whales, gross

no manners

 

_ Traitor: _

_ Could you please stop making me laugh in the middle of the library? _

 

Fish Nerd:

<3

you did this to yourself, though

i can leave you alone if you like though?

 

_ Traitor: _

_ No, don't do that. I always love talking to you! And we have a rule about leaving each other alone, don't we?  _

 

Fish Nerd:

good because i hate this but i can’t turn it off

ew

hag-fish are really gross

“not even true fish.” NAH I AGREE those are demons

oh great now there’s a sleeper shark?

i guess that’s fine david, not like we’re already hurting and terrified

 

_ Traitor: _

_ Oh my goodness. Put on Africa, it’s much less stressful. _

 

Fish Nerd:

i don't trust you to recommend shows anymore

you began this horror

you did this to me

OH. SQUID. OPALESCENT SQUID?? brighter than my future tbh

 

_ Traitor: _

_ I don't know what ‘tbh’ means Albus, but that’s not true, and you know it.  _

_ And I told you it wasn’t all terrible! You should still watch Africa, though.  _

 

Fish Nerd:

<3

squid are having sex now

‘mating,’ apologies

this is better than the herrings earlier, they literally clogged the coast?? with sperm??

 

_ Traitor: _

_ I don't remember that part when I watched it. _

 

Fish Nerd:

you must have blocked it out

heyyy squid eggs, they’re weirdly long

why do all fish/squid parents leave their fish/squid eggs somewhere in the sea and bugger off to let them suffer alone? and why do i weirdly relate to the eggs?

 

_ Traitor: _

_ <3 _

 

Fish Nerd:

hahaha the mum and dad squids have buggered off and david just said “they will not return to the light of the sun”

these squids are you the other week when you wouldn’t get up or let me open the curtains

lazy fuckers

 

_ Traitor: _

_ I’m not making stew for dinner anymore. You can cook for yourself. _

 

Fish Nerd:

scorp you’re literally at the library studying right now for your apprenticeship and im lying in my own filth on the sofa eating crisps

who’s the lazy one?

not your crisps btw

other crisps

also it’s a compliment, bc those squids were pretty

 

_ Pretty Squid: _

_ I don't know what ‘btw’ means but I assume you’re lying.  _

_ … _

_ Albus. Why have you changed my name again? _

 

Fish Nerd:

told you it was a compliment

the africa one’s going on now

if i get stressed even one iota i’m gonna riot and probably not trust you ever again

  
  


_ Pretty Squid: _

_ I promise it’s less stressful! I have to finish studying now, I’ll see you in a bit! I’ll pick up extra gravy granules for stew.  _

 

Fish Nerd:

<3

and crisps

 

_ Pretty Squid: _

_ … And crisps. Fine.  _

_ Enjoy Africa! Beware of the bird that steals the baby birds! Love you! Bye! _

 

Fish Nerd:

what

WHAT

scorp

Scorpius Hyperion Pretty Squid Malfoy

baby birds????

…

i love you too i guess but i won’t hesitate to change your name to Single if any baby birds are harmed in the making of this documentary

<3  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! Literally just having fun because I've watched it for the first time a few minutes ago and this was my first time doing this style format, too.


End file.
